A collection of flying speculations appropriate for the day.
The Buffoon-in-Chief, Donald F (hmmmm … what could we think up for that middle initial?) Trump, appoints Rocket J Squirrel as FAA Administrator. When informed that Mr Squirrel was a fictional character, the Buffoon-in-Chief replied, “Covfefe.”
FAA Administrator, Rocket J Squirrel, appoints Bullwinkle T Moose as chief of Flight Standards District Offices, nationwide. Mr Moose shutters all Flight Standards District Offices, nationwide, saving Federal Government millions of dollars, additionally providing McDonald’s with a cadre of nearly capable hamburger flippers – so long as they endure months of intensive training.
The Wright Brothers return from the dead and file patent infringement lawsuits against NASA, FAA, Boeing, Airbus, Cessna, Cirrus, EAA and the estate of Glenn Curtiss, claiming that the Wright Brothers were the inventors of “the flying machine” and were owed royalties by the defendants.
The FAA declares that “General Aviation is Dead,” changes its phone number to an unlisted account and shuts down its website and postal service. “That should cut down on the number of complaints from GA pilots,” stated FAA Administrator, Rocket J Squirrel.
FAA proposes new standards for medical certificates requiring that all non-airline pilots pass a medical exam with standards known only to FAA. “Good luck getting your third class medical, now,” said FAA Administrator, Rocket J Squirrel.
On the air carrier front, United Airlines apologizes for killing dogs and, from now on – at no extra charge – will allow dogs to occupy the paid seat of the dog-owning passenger, so long as the passenger consents to flying in the overhead storage bin.
FAA, in an effort to save millions, cuts staffing at all non-air carrier towered airports to two: an air traffic manager and a janitor. A recorded announcement will be played whenever anyone contacts the tower: “Air traffic control services have been suspended at this airport because general aviation pilots don’t deserve them. So there.”
The San Diego FSDO, in an effort to record data necessary to develop a safety program, requires tower personnel to report all rejected takeoffs to FSDO personnel, so that a FSDO employee can “reach out” to the pilot rejecting a takeoff … get this … for the sole purpose of gathering data. (No, really, it’s true. When I suggested to a FSDO employee that questioning the decision of a pilot to reject a takeoff might cause pilots learning of this new policy to continue a takeoff when rejecting it was a prudent safety choice, the employee expressed surprise that a pilot wouldn’t welcome the opportunity to be grilled by an employee of FAA’s enforcement personnel. I wish that this were an April Fool’s joke, but unfortunately, Gentle Reader, ‘tisn’t.)
The United States of America – or, more specifically, 43,000,000 not-too-smart Americans – on November 8, 2016, elected a racist, misogynist, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, fat-assed, little-handed, orange-colored Buffoon as President.
OMG … that’s not an April Fool’s joke – it’s true. The joke, Gentle Reader, is on us.